Sex is an essential part of life, and many people rely on sex for stress relief and other health benefits. It makes sense to want to be good at pleasing your partner.
There are so many different interpretations and mediums to choose from when it comes to defining good sex, but many of these perspectives (like porn) don't provide any actionable guidance when it comes to giving your lover an orgasm.
1. Use the Power of Your Mind
Amazing sex begins long before you shed your clothes. Declaring your carnal interest and receiving consent is as important to discussing their fantasies and boundaries in the bedroom. Arousal is a physical function, but lust is created in the mind.
If you're in a committed relationship, you should have the equivalent of a master's degree in what turns your partner on and they should know your tastes too. This knowledge of appreciated touches and visual cues will turn you both on. A little effort can drive interest and heighten arousal.
A simple way to try this out is to take timed turns. Set your alarm for five minutes, and let your lover direct your efforts. When the time is up, switch! This will give you both an opportunity to learn precisely what gets you both closer to the big O.
2. Consent is Sexy
Most people know from the moment they meet someone whether or not they're sexually attracted to them. Of course, there are always exceptions, but being direct exudes confidence and clears up any miscommunication.
Confidence Is Hot
Don't underestimate the sexiness of asking directly for what you want. The honest approach takes some of the guesswork out of dating.
Why is self confidence so sexy? It probably has to do with how the confident lover learned to ask for what (or who) they want. We've all got insecurities, but a dedicated practice being direct and confident can really pay off in your love life.
3. Masturbate Often
Long gone are the American Pie days of masturbation stigma and shame. Studies show orgasms help the brain release the feel-good chemical known as oxytocin.
Oxytocin relaxes the body and is created during any affectionate activity from petting your dog to shagging your lover. The love chemical does play a part in having an orgasm, but researchers aren't sure how.
There's more research that suggests orgasms can help ease the symptoms of insomnia, anxiety, fight colds, relieve pain and help us live longer, more satisfied lives. If that's not enough reason to cram your hand down your pants, then there's more to consider.
The Importance of Having Sex With Yourself
In the movie The Ugly Truth, Gerald Butler plays the role of a sex-crazed Neanderthal, and Katherine Heigl plays an uptight prude. They go through the expected romcom clichés by finding the middle ground between them.
Yet the nugget of truth comes when Butler says, "Because if you don't wanna have sex with you, why the hell would Colin?"
An orgasm is physical, but it begins as a willingness to relinquish control for a fleeting moment. This vulnerability takes getting adjusted to and is delicate. Masturbation gives you a chance to explore arousal and experience orgasms without pressure or performance anxiety.
4. Address the Physical
Human beings are creatures ruled by our physical senses. Good sex, requires a heightened arousal of all the senses. It goes without saying that you should be clean, smell delicious, be well-dressed or be strategically undressed.
Basically, you want to turn your partner on through each of their senses. It sounds simple and straightforward, but you'd be surprised how many people struggle with this mysterious task.
It all goes back to paying attention to your partner and their verbal, physical and intellectual hints they give you through non-sexual contact.
Pay Attention to Your Lover
These hints are in the environment, the timing and the circumstances. For one couple, a passionate, rushed fling through undone buttons and pushed aside panties on an office desk will rock their world, while another pair wants a clean bed with 500 thread count sheets with only soft candlelight illuminating their union as Jeff Buckley's Grace plays on repeat as they make love until dawn.
It's all subjective when it comes to ultimate, earth-shattering romps. Talking to your partner and finding out where they are in other parts of their life will help understand their mindset.
5. Get Over Intercourse as a Main Event
The temptation to treat sex as a hurried task can be viewed as a side-effect of our culture's squeamish views on sex and sexuality. Many people kiss, grope and then jump face first from one mediocre encounter to another.
Intercourse is great. It's how we make babies and it can produce toe-curling orgasms, but coitus gets a lot more attention than it really should as a conduit of pleasure.
Take your time and appreciate your lover and the details of their body. For example, the skin has pinpoints of receptors aching for touch. Apply slight pressure from a single digit and trace the contours of the body. Watch as anticipation builds and temperatures rise. You'll come to enjoy more satisfying intercourse before you know it.
6. Fresh Bedroom Techniques
Sex is an essential part of living a healthy life. Like most things, it's necessary to brush up your techniques when it comes to your sex life. Humans are hardwired to be excited by things unknown to us. By keeping things exciting in the bedroom, it helps strengthen monogamous bonds and intensifies casual trysts.
It's super easy to take your partner for granted. Particularly if you live with them. Witnessing them in the most intimate of circumstances (like being gripped by a nasty stomach flu) can eradicate lust. Reigniting desires might take some trial and error. Try to relax and release any ideas you might have. This simple act can do wonders for your sex life.
Listen & Let Go of Expectations
A lot of us have hang-ups when it comes to sexuality. Culture, experience and upbringing all play a part in how your partner connects to you. Be patient and listen. Focus on feelings instead of what you're doing. Keeping an open mind can lead to racy adventures.
It's wise to discuss your sexy new interests before hitting the sheets to give your lover an opportunity to reflect upon your ideas.
All sexy things require balance. If you're doing 99% of the receiving or giving, then you've got quite a few jobs to do. The very best sex is satisfying for both people and leaves them dreaming about the future rendezvous. Equality is key. Make sure your partner knows how interested you are in pleasuring them.
One-sided encounters can offer some excitement if they've been discussed ahead of time. Many people find the release of control or the act of delaying pleasure as a way to heighten passions, but this scenario is only gratifying if it meets your partner's fantasies too.
There are endless titles on the subject of sex. Some are research based, many are erotica and others explore the poetics of sex and sensuality. Further study is necessary if you're going to be more than an average lover.
The Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort is an international bestseller and was originally published in 1972. Comfort wrote the book to mimic a cooking text called The Joy of Cooking and organized his work like recipes for better sex. In 2008, an updated version called The New Joy of Sex was released, which encompasses the sexual evolution of the past five decades.
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Paul is a philosophical perspective exploring the poetics of erotic desire and striving to understand what fuels lust. Sex begins in the mind, so it's a good idea to understand the psychology of sex.
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life is by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. The scientific examination of sexuality explores the connection between our minds, bodies and the partners who get us excited. Nagoskis' New York Times Bestseller gives readers an actionable plan on improving their love life.
The Complete Illustrated Kama Sutra is an ancient but still relevant work by Vatsyayna. This sacred Sanskrit text is ancient and very, very thorough illustrations. Many people view this book as an ultimate guide to seeking spiritual enlightenment through lovemaking. It's the lovers' primer — if you're serious about upping your carnal game.
9. Practice, Practice, Practice!
The first time you make love to someone should be as awkward as it gets when it comes to getting intimate. Of course, it's difficult to practice with a one-night stand but if you can convince them to sleep over maybe you'll have a few attempts at it.
Masturbation has health benefits like lowering blood pressure and fighting stress, but more importantly, it gives you a chance to explore your body without any pressure.
For those people in a relationship, sex gets better the more you know your lover and the better they know you. Every romantic encounter is an opportunity for you to sharpen your skills!